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User blog:THEJJRAT/Banana XD
It was a hot Summer day in 2fort, it was the merc's day off. Everyone was eating sandviches, rocket jumping, sword fighting, taunt killing, and observing the spycrabs and pyrosharks. "Thanks!" "Thanks!" Two Snipers spammed to each other, beating themselves with their melee and throwing piss at the spycrabs. Soon, a RED Heavy spawned. He was a new mercenary, hired two minutes ago and just installed the game. He had his gibus on proud, as well as his pyrovision goggles. He equipped his shotgun and ran out of spawn. There he saw everybody; not killing eachother. Heavy was confused, so he asked one of the snipers what was going on. "It's conga time in Oz!" that explained every thing. Heavy then conga'd. But after two hours of conga'ing, sandvich eating and spamming voice commands, they all heard an explosion. Heavy looked towards the sound, and pulled out his shotgun. Three people came out of the smoke, a sniper, a Pyro, and a Scout. All wearing unusuals. "What in the-" the friendly sniper was shot. So were the spycrabs. "Lol noobs" the sniper started mowing down friendlies with his SMG, and the Pyro started WM1ing. Heavy was terrified, what monster could do this?! The Scout with the australium scattergun, golden pan, green cosmetics, and unusual hat came towards the heavy. "I have come from r/tf2. And I am going to kill every friendly I see. You're my first, skrub-" The Heavy grabbed the Scout's head, instantly crushing his skull. He threw his lifeless corpse on the group and took his unusual. "Let's practice Sandvich." Heavy had his shotgun out, and he found the Pyro. "Don't kill him, he's just a baby!" The Papa Sphee cried out, as his baby shpee had just walked towards the Pyro. The Pyro laughed an evil laugh, and pulled out his Powerjack. "Hey! Pyro!" The Heavy screamed. "Fight me." The Pyro pulled out his Mann Melter and fired at the Heavy, him dodging. The Pyro then ran towards him with his flamethrower, but getting his face smacked with the frying pan before he could do any damage. "Now for Sniper!" An Unusual sniper came towards the Heavy, and joined his journey of stopping the tryhard. "So long, piss drinkers!" The try hard sniper laughed as he boarded into his private jet. The friendly Sniper took aim, and headshot the Sniper. Him raging in chat, of course. The jet took off, but it had a strange symbol on it. Heavy wrote down his symbol on a rock nearby and starting planning with the Sniper. He was going to save the world. 2 "Alright maggots, another sighting of these tryhard hooligans were sighted last Friday, O'300 hours. And now this free to play heavy guy says they attacked again in the same place!" "Who the hell is guarding those maps?!" The Soldier shouted, slamming his fists onto his desk. "Um...No one?" "Whaddya mean, no one?!" "Well, nobody wants to join us." "Those sissy maggots, not even brave enough to watch a bunch of clones wearing boxes on their heads and dancing..." "No, they come from Reddit's r/tf2." "Aw, shit. It's the Gravel Wars all over again." _________ Heavy was in cp_junction, in the RED base. He was drawing the symbol on a notebook he had bought from a trader for some scrap metal. His friend, Carl the Engineer, came over to him after he was done building a teleporter. "I made this for ya." Carl dropped two red colored wrist cuffs, with square holes on the sides with sliding doors on them, with a bunch of tiny cartridges in them. "Vhat is this Engineer?" "Pootis shooters. Now how about that? Found the blueprints in my grandfather's trunk in my basement. Shoots straight liquid pootis juice, and it becomes a sticky web like substance milliseconds after it touches air." "Oh, I like zis new weapon." Carl grinned, patted Heavy's back, and left the room. Heavy had an Idea.... ________ "Sniper has been terminated." "By whom?" "Sniper Clone #829384929, AKA Red Ted. Plays comp, has 20 unusuals, is friends with Muselk and Jerma, and has an australium sniper rifle with 9,000 kills." "Send unusual cloned try hard spy 47." "Sir yes sir." "Tango Mike. Over." Three "It seems I'm not the only spy-" "BOOM! Hahah, wanker." Ted was sniping at his favorite spot in Hightower. The tower. A Spy sneaked behind him, but was market gardened by a soldier. "Gotcha maggot." "Haha!" _______ "Hey, you gonna watch a movie tonight?" "No, why?" "Because my buddy Keith went to the movies last night, and he decided that he was going to make firecrackers to put in people's popcorn, and I don't know shit about chemistry, but he figured; Gasoline burns, right? Ninety degree burns on 99% of his body! His doctor called, um, other doctors, because they haven't ever seen burns on top of existing burns. Oh, and I was gonna go see the new Justin Bieber movie." "Hah...hah...Well, what do you know, break time." The two guards entered their breakrooms. "Idiots." 47 uncloaked and lock picked the door they were guarding. He entered the room, and there it was; an australium, suppressed, diamond encrusted, and pure gold bullet AWPer hand. He took a spray bottle out of his pocket and sprayed into the air: red lasers. He sighed, and decided to be lazy. He took the gun and grappled out the door. Setting of the alarm not the process. ________ "That was a good round, mates." Ted yawned, he was in the RED barracks at RED HQ. "Hmmphh!" A Pyro jumped into his bed. "Remember that conga line into the side of the cliff?" A scout asked. "That was awesome." "Damn right it was! I was the first one to fall, and my bones are still broken!" Ted chuckled, and went into his room. He was a high-ranking merc, so he got his own room in the barracks. He opened his door, and threw his rifle on the bed. He went over to his computer, hopped on his chair, opened a bottle of Nuka Cola, and opened Steam. He decided to play Counter Strike. "Gotcha, faggot! Haha! Nice micspam mate!" _________ 47 peaked inside Ted's door, and pulled out his silverballers. He cloaked, and walked through the door. His watch was special, it could let him walk through solid matter. He uncloaked next to the Sniper, and aimed his pistols onto his brain. "Light-" Ted heard the decloak, and got up from his chair and cut 47 in the face with his kukri. "Merde!" 47 fell in front of his bed, dropping his pistols. Ted took out his backup rifle and shot at 47, missing. "Aw, piss..." the gun jammed, and while Ted was fixing it 47 was gone. "Bloody wanker." Final "You have failed us." "But sir.." "Kill yourself. Now." "I said now-" "I took out the chip along time ago, chienne." 47 ripped the watch off. "I'm not your slave." ______________ Heavy was in his room, at the Red barracks. He had his notepad and marker, and started drawing suits. "Red and black? No...." he ripped the page off and threw it in his trash bin. "Entirely white? No..." After hours of ripping pages off, he finally had found the perfect design. Entirely red with parts of his arms and legs blue, with a Sandvich symbol on his chest, and a Spycrab on his back. "Perfect..." Category:Blog posts